As a fairly new academic dean, early one winter morning I received a phone call from the school nurse who had the chair of the history department at her side and a junior girl in her office. In a nutshell, the girl was being sent to see me as she was claiming to be ill – abdominal pain – and both adults knew it was to avoid a history test. My job was to hold her accountable and to ensure consequences.
As I waited for the student to arrive, I pondered. When she arrived, I asked her to explain what was going on. She was of course unable to sit up straight as she was doubled over holding her abdomen and complained bitterly about the abominable way she was processed by the nurse and her history teacher the -terrible way they would just not take her seriously. So, I said you are right. It is terrible. I am calling 911 because treating what is hurting you at this time is the most important thing. I reached for the phone dialed 911 and as I began to speak the student sat up straight in her chair and said you can hang up Ms. Londergan.
She shared her story - and then I sat with her while she spoke with her history teacher about her problems. Then she called home from my office. As she left me she hugged me and thanked me for believing her after all.
As a Montessori school head, one spring day I noticed a dad and his son at their car. The dad was standing outside the car and a lower elementary teacher was leaning into the vehicle speaking with the son, her student. I asked the dad what was going on. He explained that his son did not want to go to school and did not want to get out of the car. I said that I did not know if it would be of any help but that perhaps if we did not ask him to go into the elementary building he would at least get out of the car. I indicated that I would be in the community room for a while and that he might share that with his son and let him know that if he wanted to speak with me I would be happy to speak with him. As the new head of school I did not expect to see them.
As it turns out, fifteen minutes later they arrived in the community room and the dad (as surprised as I) said that Evan wanted to speak with me. So, I welcomed them both and began by asking Evan if he knew who I was and he said yes. We established that I was in layman’s terms ‘the boss of everybody’. And then I told Evan that I wanted him to know that I heard him that he did not want to go to school today and that I wanted him to know that I was not going to make him go to school today under one condition only. I told him that I needed him to help me and his teachers understand why he did not want to go to school and let us see if we could help him want to come to school tomorrow. He agreed to my terms.
We discussed his story that pertained to home life issues and separation from dad in particular who was about to go on a trip. We made a plan of action for his concerns and dad eventually departed for his day. Then in keeping with my earlier assurance, I set him to work in the school office. Within an hour he came to me and asked to return to his class and did.
As I contemplated Evan’s predicament, I called the East Coast and my son (just out of college and working himself) at his office to thank him for teaching me how to respond meaningfully – even if unconventionally – to students who did not want to go to school. He had his fair share of school refusal moments in elementary school himself.
These moments, these three people each taught me how important it is in schools to meet students where they are, and together we learned how vital it is in schools – and in life – to trust in a responsive process even if and as it takes us beyond our comfort level.
